Elsa Vs. Elphaba
Elsa Vs. Elphaba is the twenty-ninth installment of Moleman's Epic Rap Battles and the Season 3 premiere. It initially features Frozen protagonist Elsa battling Wicked protagonist and reimagining of the classic Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz Elphaba, before shifting its focus to a subplot revolving around Prince Hans that converges with the initial battle for a climax involving the return of Arthas Menethil. It was released on April 7, 2015. Cast Jessica Healey Francis as Elsa Anna Valenzuela as Elphaba Tim Kavner as Prince Joffrey Johnny Navarro as Prince Hans David Ohlsen as Simon Petrikov and Arthas Menethil Paul Bergen as Aslan Joseph Sylvers as Victor Fries and Tyrion Lannister (cameo) Toby Navarro as Jadis Griffin Oldenkamp as Sindragosa (cameo) Mark Berry as Ganon (stock footage cameo) Molemanninethousand as Announcer (cameo) The Who as themselves (stock footage cameo) Lyrics 'Elsa:' My skill's unlimited; each line unique as every flake of snow! The trolls have prophesied your meltdown when you face my frigid flow. Won't hide the unadulterated loathing for you that I feel; Like Muppet rejects at the Tonys, all your glory I shall steal! An icy icon in the making since the Disney days of old, Who'll keep it chill through all your disses; sooner bothered by the cold. When Anna whined for me to play, I'd shut her out like I was told, But when they asked me, "Do You Want to Build a Franchise?" I was sold! Go through your trapdoor and retreat the way you hauled it Out of Oz, Before I skewer you For Good to "Dings" and "Dongs" and mass applause! Even Fiyero still has brains enough to know you've not a hope in this: Outdoing your entire Grimmerie of hocus-pocus tricks, And as for Popularity, forget the Shiz you've heard, 'Cause next to me, your girlfriend doesn't know the meaning of the word! I'm like the Tin Man: heartless to you when I brew a verbal blizzard! Know the gloves are off; I'll screw you over worse than any Wizard. For the Last Time in Forever now, your lights are getting doused; Just like that twister did your sister in, I'm bringing down the house! 'Elphaba:' They say each story has two sides, but this'll be a straight-up slaughter; Make you vanish like my namesake saint behind a veil of water. Not That Theodora Girl or some one-eyed, dried-up old crone, Nor do I hail from Southern lands, but still I'm coming for your throne! This pretty dame's more like a little dog as far as I'm concerned: You're undeserving of your title; let your auntie out her urn! Step to the Triple-W? Your nerve is more than I can stomach: Crossing me's far from a Good Deed, but it still won't go unpunished! Had the bite to match my bark right from the time I left the womb; I'm still more down-to-Earth than you while taking flight upon my broom! You've Let your Sanity Go, blondie: your word-craft's bereft of taste; And here I thought your long-lost brother was the one raised by the apes. Your brain is Frozen if you think you'll thrive through throwing down with Thropp; Unlike my junk, there's not a doubt which witch is coming out on top! But One Short Minute's all it's gonna take for me to clean your clock, With Wicked words whose verbal vitriol no act of love can stop, When they all strike your heart and end the Life that you've been Dancing Through; No One will Mourn me, 'cause the only one who's dying here is you. 'Elsa:' I'll get your Goat Something Worse than what they did to Doctor Dillamond; Even the Emerald City ain't got nothing on my brilliance! It's clear you're green with envy, even with your skin aside; In facing me, your situation's Gravity can't be Defied! 'Elphaba:' Your wretched raps are like my poppies: potent at inducing slumber, But I need no winged monkeys' help to tear your ass asunder! I drop Ludicrously Fearsome Bombs! There's no way you can match this; Butchering you worse than John Travolta's naming of our actress. (*LOUD, ECHOING CRASH*) 'Prince Joffrey:' I've had my share of knocks before, but you're the target of this roast, So keep your tongue from talking back, or else I'll cut it out your throat. This ain't Blackwater, yo: from facing thee, you shan't see me deterred, And no Clegane need be relied on as I Hound you with my words! You're mine to torment now, like those two whores my midget uncle gave me once; I'll carve more marks in you than that nut job the Batman saved me from! Mom says the Game of Thrones is win-or-die, but in your case, Your failure's brought upon our royal house of scoundrels a disgrace! Now, here you stand upon this icy shore, and here you're gonna stay: Amid a frigid land where Winter fell and never went away! I thus leave you to this exile, although I'd vouched for your beheading, While I sail back to the Isles in preparation for my wedding. 'Hans:' Oh, see if I care, you spoiled-rotten bastard sack of waste; I hope your wedding sees you strangled 'til you're purple in the face! I swear I'll find my kingdom yet, and then your rancid lot will see, When I'm upon my rightful throne and finally where I want to be! …Oh, I'm not fooling anybody; my ambition's out of luck: My royal assets stripped away, in this backwater land I'm stuck! Perhaps it's time to be the better man, and give up chasing crowns; Seek settlement among the natives here, and turn my life aro–*THUD* (*Bumps into a large sign as he is walking along monologuing this*) By Anderson, what's this I've stumbled onto; do my eyes deceive? This sign before me shows a face all-too-familiar, and it reads: "The Snow Queen raps against the Wicked Witch, tonight at Icecrown Glacier! Extra challengers are welcome if their coolness level's major." Ha! My deviousness stirs again, for though it seems contrived, This unexpected open door has now restored my inner drive! When I show up, this time I needn't hide what I intend to do, And so with vengeance on my mind, my kingly quest begins anew! 'Simon Petrikov:' What time is it? It's time to kick your sorry ass! You've got an uninvited guest; your one-man-party's getting crashed! I'm putting out a hit on you, and the assassin is myself; Wrecking you worse than what this crown has done to my own mental health! You'll go kablooie like a Mushroom bomb, smote by my wizard wrath; The Cosmic Owl spoke ill of me, but you're an actual sociopath: It's true, I never was a paragon of proper princess-treatment, But you're douchey as my heart, and that's no Holly Jolly Secret! Call me Evergreen: my rapping skill's in bloom all through the year! Ice King's no Nice King on the mic; my chilling verses should be feared. To penguins' Cheers, I'll blast your rear to Where Nobody Knows Your Name, And leave the role of Elsa's second challenger as mine to claim! 'Hans:' Yeah, stick to writing your fan fiction, Dr. No-Brains; you're hysteric! Wouldn't be shocked to hear that Marceline came up with all your lyrics! Still, to take on Elsa, I'll need all the help that I can get, So join me on my journey, Simon, and we'll make a mean duet! 'Simon:' Well, my track record facing humans is a far cry from sublime, And my lucid resolve to fight you's slipping anyway, so fine! Hans: Excelsior! Between the two of us, she hasn't got a chance; Perhaps I'll spare her after all and leave her for you to romance! 'Victor Fries:' Cool story, bros, but that's Cold Comfort, 'cause I'm out my Arkham cell, And here to put you both in Deep Freeze; make your lives a living Hell! My body temperature's SubZero, but I'm in a rapping fever, Trashing faux-humanitarians and hyper-bearded geezers! When it comes to tragic villainy, my very name's a synonym. No Schwarzenegger antics here; I'll keep puns to a minimum. Your flows are more disjointed than my casting in the sixties, And I'll shatter you like dino bones; undo your efforts swiftly. I'll adapt to any licks I take, and school you night or day; Even maintaining threat reduced to just a head on spider-legs! Let there be no doubt in your minds: cross my Cold, Cold Heart of Ice, And like that wack Walt Disney wannabe, you'll dearly pay the price! 'Hans:' Now, what would Nora think of this aggression? We should get along; Like your depiction on The Batman, Victor, you've got us all wrong! 'Simon:' Plus, you and I are kindred spirits, man! 'Hans:' Come join us on our quest, To conquer Elsa's crown! 'Simon:' And prove which cryomancers are the best! 'Fries:' Oh, why not? I've little else to do with my pathetic life; Let's mess her up worse than a Lazarus Pit bathing for my wife! 'Hans:' A grand proposal, Mr. Fries! Now carry onwards as we sing; Let us delay no further time, for I just can't wait to be king! 'Aslan:' Put 'em up! It isn't safe or good if you would try to fight this; Aslan isn't a tame lion, nor a coward in the slightest! You're Ridiculous as Rabadash: jackassery aplenty; Know your train's about to crash, and you won't wake up in my Country! When I sing a song, entire worlds are prone to taking shape; My words are deeper than the magic from before the dawn of time! Simon here smells like Tash, and Hans is Shiftier than any ape; Same as that sodding skeptic Susan, you three ain't no friends of mine! I'm putting down my foot like Dufflepuds: at your weak rhymes, I scoff; I'll send you flying across the sea and let my dad finish you off! It's your Last Battle if you'd step to me; surrender while you can, Or I'll slay you as I shall she whose endless Winter plagues this land! 'Simon:' You've got some nerve, dude! 'Fries:' For all you know, we're just out on a stroll! 'Hans:' With due respect, your furry majesty, we share a common goal; I'm fairly certain who this "she" is, and we're out to get her too: 'Twould be an honor if our quest could be accompanied by you. 'Aslan:' From royalty down to the humble mouse, I see the good rewarded, As you'll be as well if you indeed help see this menace thwarted. 'Hans:' So it's settled, then! The King of Beasts will join in our adventure, And we four shall stand assembled like the ice witch-slaying Avengers! (*LOUD, ECHOING CRASH*) 'Jadis the White Witch:' I have had it with these soft, show off-ing, sentimental pricks! Just crawl up onto my Stone Table now; I swear I'll make it quick! If it's a war with me you want, then that precisely I shall grant: I'd let you ask my sister 'bout the verbal bombs I drop, but can't! I'm like Gnorga: make a statue of even a slight snitch, So get stoked for a fight, bitches; you've woken the White Witch! Lyrics delightful as the lokum I'll make any sucker crave; You phonies think yourselves magicians? You're unfit to be my slaves! I'll turn this place into a Charnel house before this battle's over; I'm the North's true wicked one: not that Green Kirtle-wearing poser! Bite into you like a silver apple from the Tree of Youth; Jinn-Giant Jadis Ettins-more than dwarfs you munchkins, it's the truth! I've got a loyal force of ghastly ghouls to massacre your butts; You've but a snowman, and your chanting fools secretly hate your guts! My wolf police will make a meal of anyone they find suspicious, But I need no help to stomp you out as hard as I did Christmas! (*Is suddenly shot in the head and face repeatedly and well beyond the point of death in spectacularly gruesome fashion*) 'Elsa:' Christ! 'Aslan:' (*Puts away dual-wielded fully-automatic sniper rifles*) Well, aren't you quick at putting two and two together? Either way, the deed is done: the witch's Winter curse is severed. Here, I'd thought you three would have to help me out there, but whatever; I doubt anyone will be complaining, least of all the weather. (*The harshly frigid Winter air dominating the surrounding environment begins to subside as long-overdue Spring starts kicking in*) 'Hans:' Well, this is awkward. 'Fries:' This does not accord to plan. 'Simon:' What happens next? 'Aslan:' The sorceress is slain, my children; what's it now that has you vexed? 'Hans:' It's Elsa here with whom we travelled all this way to pick a bone! 'Fries:' We want to kick her ass! 'Simon:' And tap it, maybe. 'Hans:' I just want her throne! 'Aslan:' That's battery, rape and takeover, dudes: all crimes, and highly grievous! 'Hans:' We don't really care! 'Aslan:' Yeah, well I do; I'm literally Jesus! 'Fries:' Look, I'll freeze you, man. 'Aslan:' I'd like to see you try, you wretched speck! 'Simon:' Can't we just talk this out? 'Elsa:' I'm thinking not, so let me interject: Don't bother making up excuses, Hans: your ill-intent is plain; I should have ended you when I'd the chance before, you royal pain, And as for you two rimy rejects who would help him to his goal, You better scram before this Queen of Frozen Hearts sees noggins roll! It's time to let you go for good; leave you beyond all fixing-up! 'Hans:' No, wait! 'Elphaba:' Don't look at me! Why am I even saying this line? 'Arthas:' ENOUGH!!! What is this sacrilege I wake to with the thawing of Winter's spell? Your quarreling profanes the future site of my crown-citadel! For this trespass upon unholy ground as from my sleep I rise, My first official act as king shall be extinguishing your lives! I'm fully-rested-up and back again to launch my grand regime, Impaling you just like my orc-and-child-selves within my dreams! The Scourge Invasion is upon thee; best believe you should be scared, And though I hate to quote that elven pansy: you are not prepared! I'm not that baby of a Lich that Simon knows; you better kneel. This ain't the Wrathgate; no diss you can plague me with will make me yield! I'm Arthas… (Sindragosa: *Roar*) …And I'm heartless! (Sindragosa: *Roar*) Watch me raise every carcass; lead armies of darkness! 'Elphaba:' In all my life and times, I've never met a foe so brutal! 'Simon:' I can see it with my Wizard Eyes: his claims of strength are truthful! 'Fries:' Yo, messiah-lion, stop him! 'Aslan:' I fear trying would be in vain, For I've not felt so overpowered since the height of Telmar reign! 'Arthas:' The words of Yogg-Saron have nothing on the madness mine incite, And no gunship is on its way to let you flee this hopeless fight. A god before the mighty Vrykul, whence the lowly man descends; Frostmourne doth hunger for your souls, and by its blade your flesh will rend! 'Elsa:' Now, just you listen, Mr. Hero-to-Sub-Zero: you're no match for me; Bring ice instead of ash, but still I'll shatter your phylactery! Your necromantic quackeries don't frighten me one bit; Like good ol' Bolvar and his fiery will, to you I shan't submit! 'Arthas:' To vanquish me, you think your prestidigitation satisfactory? I've seen more heedfulness from Leeroy Jenkins in the hatchery! Now feel my fury: no deus ex machina will save, When I release my Wrath in full and send you to your final graves! (*SLASH*) … …Oh… …Look at that… …I've been impaled. (*SLICE, RIP, THRUST, TEAR*) Ganon: DIE! 'Hans:' Well, well, well, look at this: It would appear that I've just saved all your lives, and right in the nick of time! Now, would anyone here know what that makes me? (Ganon: A big damn hero, sir!) Indeed, the pig-faced harbinger of death speaks the truth! As for you, Elsa, and now that I'm finally in a position to be formally demanding this: Either become my queen consort, surrender your regency of Arendelle to me, or die; the choice is yours. 'Elsa:' …Hans, you magnificent bastard! I wil– '??????:' Hey! Hey, you guys! Over here! 'Hans:' What the… Uncle Tyrion?! How in the world did you– 'Tyrion Lannister:' There's no time to explain; we need to hurry! … …… …Uh, did you not hear what the spirit of Arthas' father just said? 'Hans:' No, no I didn't; I was too distracted by my glorious moment of villainous triumph, and I'm pretty sure Moleman was, too. 'Announcer:' GUILTY AS CHARGED! 'Tyrion:' …Oh… Well, long story short, someone has to put on this helm and become the new Lich King, and fast, or else we'll be in store for a zombie apocalypse so massive that even Rick Grimes, Frank West, Tank Dempsey, Jill Valentine, Ash Williams and Bill Overbeck would all be like, "AW, HELL NAW!" 'Hans:' Well, it's going to have to wait as far as I'm concerned, because nothing is going to spoil the victory I have worked so lo… Wait, did you just say there's a king status up for grabs? 'Tyrion:' Well, if you want to put it that way, then yes! Whoever wears this helmet will be bestowed with the unimaginable burden of powers so– 'Hans:' (*Grabs Helm of Domination from Tyrion*) Yoink! Elsa, scratch that ultimatum and consider yourself very, very fortunate. 'Elsa:' What? You can't seriously expect me to just forgive and forget after all you've done to me just because of some contrived convenience that's let you have your way at someone else's expense! 'Hans:' I can, and I do. Look… Just think of it this way… You could say that my advice for you here is to… (*Puts on Helm of Domination*) …Let It Go. The Who: YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!! Poll Who won? Elsa Elphaba Prince Joffrey Prince Hans Simon Pertikov Victor Fries Aslan Jadis Arthas Menethil Trivia *The second longest video yet in the series by far, clocking in at over twelve minutes. *Second battle to have a cinematic epilogue, after Poison Ivy Vs. Audrey II. **Coincidentally, both battles feature Batman characters. *The sound heard when Hans bumps into the post sign was "provided" by Molemanninethousand. Category:Season 3 Category:Moleman's Epic Rap Battles Category:Jessica Healey Francis Category:Anna Valenzuela Category:Johnny Navarro Category:David Ohlsen Category:Paul Bergen Category:Joseph Sylvers Category:Toby Navarro Category:Tim Kavner Category:Griffin Oldenkamp